Often times online dating profiles seem like they are a testament to people who do not want to get dates. You have to wonder what some people are thinking, not thinking, or possibly drinking when they start typing up that new post or profile. It doesn’t matter if it’s Craigslist, Plenty of Fish, OK Cupid, or Lavalife, there are some things that should simply never be uttered by anyone. Ever.
1. “I’m Just Trying this Out.”
Listen, it’s 2013. The internet is relatively cool now, so you don’t need to preface your post with some caveat about how you are only “trying this out.” What does that even mean, anyway? You are going to use this service until you…stop using it? All right, then.
In today’s world, there is no need to erect some security fence of distinction around your “real” life and what’s going on in your inbox. Internet dating is not supposed to be some field trip to mars. It’s just meeting people, online. So try to calm down. “I’m just trying this out” is one of those automatic expressions of insecurity that will hinder you way more than help because it basically makes you sound like you’re just trying out the internet itself for the first time. If you still see the “internet world” as a cesspool of wackos, then why are you even here?
2. “What You See is What You Get.”
People are complex creatures that represent the current apex of evolution on the planet. If there is one instance where saying, “What you see is what you get” would be unequivocally wrong, it would be when you are referring to another human. I cannot think of a single time in my life where I correctly ascertained the full extent of someone’s character simply by looking at them. I am confident in stating that will never happen. All that aside, if everyone can see exactly what they are destined to “get” from you, and you’re still looking for a date, then maybe you need to create a little bit of an air of mystery? Maybe cover up that exposed mid-drift in your profile picture.
3. “Honesty is Really Important to Me.”
Good, because honesty isn’t important to the rest of us. And ushering statements like the above don’t make you sound like a paranoid wolf hound. When guys read sentences like that we definitely don’t imagine the first conversation of the date being some vodka-injected diatribe about how “every” boyfriend cheats on you. And definitely no guy in that situation would be thinking, “I wonder why?” Nah, that’s not what’s going on here.
4. “Trying this One More Time!”
Usually these profiles or posts start out as something like “I don’t know why guys some guys are so… [insert any clichéd complaint here]… I am trying this online dating thing again!”
I just have one question: why even mention some past issue all? Imagine you were talking to a guy in real life (Say, at a supermarket or somewhere that no one actually meets anymore), and he says to you, “The last date I had was horrible—but, yeah, do you want to go on a date with me?”
You certainly wouldn’t want to hear that from us. Hopefully that explains why we don’t want to hear it from you.
5. “I’m looking for My Partner in Crime.”
All right there, Bonnie, so you are looking for your Clyde. The problem with this phrase (and many others) is that they are not really found anywhere outside of a dating website, and certainly not in everyday vernacular. When was the last time you heard someone actually say that they are looking for their partner in crime? That is, the last person who wasn’t an actor from a B-level Hollywood movie? Let’s face it: if you are advertising for a partner in crime, you are probably not breaking very many crimes. If you really want a bad boy, get off the internet and go steal a car. See what happens?
6. “I love my AMAZING Job, Family, Pets, Sports Team, and … ”
I enjoy reading posts like this because it shows me that you are either full of confidence, or you are on drugs. Someone is bound to enjoy one of, or both of those two things. That said, though, how amazing can your life really be? We get it: you’re well-adjusted. Things are looking good. But amazing? Are you really amazed by your life on a regular basis? Do you think that maybe you’ve exhausted that word of any meaning? I do. Seeing a meteor shower is amazing. Learning about your new raise is not.
7. “My Philosophy for Life: Some Cliché.”
As someone who has studied philosophy academically, I can tell you people don’t even care about the philosophy of actual philosophers. So, no one cares about your life philosophy, cherry picked from self help books and episodes of Oprah. Here is an alternative option that could work: just talk about your goals and interests.
8. “I am Looking for Someone Real.”
Congratulations, you have successfully narrowed down your dating pool down to guys who, as opposed to not, happen to exist. Nicely done. OK, yes, I know what this is not meant to be taken in its most literal context—I get that part—but it doesn’t change the fact that “looking for someone real” is still one of the most vague, ambiguous, and ultimately useless things that you could say to anyone, in any context.
In fact, often times I will ask people, “Well, OK, what do you mean by ‘real’ in this instance?” And the response is always some comically specific character description: “Someone who prefers overalls, drives a dodge truck, loves bison, and drinks Scottish ales—you know, someone real.”